


A Man Like Me Is Dead In Places

by imawalkingtravesty



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Tony Stark, Depressed Tony Stark, Depression, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sex, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Pepper Potts Is a Good Bro, Pining, Pre-Iron Man 1, Songfic, Tony Stark Angst, Tony Stark Has Daddy Issues, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:42:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24456124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imawalkingtravesty/pseuds/imawalkingtravesty
Summary: Tony would lie on his bed sometimes, his arms numb, his legs numb, his whole body numb. Completely void of feeling. But it was better that way.In which Pepper is oblivious, Rhodey is a good bro, and Tony Stark has a heap of Daddy Issues.
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts & Tony Stark
Comments: 6
Kudos: 125





	A Man Like Me Is Dead In Places

_I want love, but it's impossible_   
_A man like me, so irresponsible_   
_A man like me is dead in places_   
_Other men feel liberated_

\--

Tony would lie on his bed sometimes, on top of his covers, his arms numb, his legs numb, his whole body numb. Completely void of feeling. It drove him crazy sometimes, being unable to feel, but he came to the conclusion that it was better; it was better to feel nothing at all than to feel everything that was piling on his consciousness. 

Rhodey sometimes found him like that. It worried him. Rhodey always worried for him.

\--

_I can't love, shot full of holes_   
_Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold_   
_Don't feel nothing, just old scars_   
_Toughening up around my heart_

\--

Tony wasn’t always like that, though. He was once a young boy whose parents always worked (Howard working, Maria being the trophy wife) and was raised by his butler. He would run and laugh and be happy, be sad, feel everything a kid his age would feel. Healthy growth. The things they put in the child development textbooks and pamphlets that Howard seemed to have never spared a glance for.

Howard quickly crushed the feeling out of Tony- reminding him that any feeling was weakness. The young boy who was once doing so well turned into a robot while around others and tried to force down the tears while he was alone at night.

\--

_But I want love, just a different kind_   
_I want love, won't break me down_   
_Won't brick me up, won't fence me in_   
_I want a love, that don't mean a thing_   
_That's the love I want, I want love_

\--

As Tony grew up and girls started to notice him and he started to notice girls, he was obsessed with how much they all felt.

They cried in the washroom and reappeared with smudged mascara. They talked about life beyond school, the movies they’d seen, the people they’d slept with, the people they want to spend their lives with. And the few times when Tony considered dating (even though he didn’t really know what he felt), and was taken to Meet the Parents, he was always very surprised. The mother kissed the father’s cheek. The father kissed back. The parents kissed their daughter’s forehead. They all showed so much affection, emotion, _feeling._

Tony would lie in the dark and think about how different his home was compared to others. Did his parents love him? Did they even like him? They never said, never showed.

He stopped meeting parents and families. Relationships without strings were so much better, and he felt zero commitment or remorse when he left in the morning.

\--

_I want love on my own terms_   
_After everything I've ever learned_   
_Me, I carry too much baggage_   
_Oh man I've seen so much traffic_

\--

He got older, he grew up, learned that things were easier when he didn’t tell anyone about them.

He once told Obie that he thought he was depressed and got a lecture about how he wasn’t, that it was just because his parents had died a few months before, and if he got up and did a bit of exercise or worked, he’d feel better. Tony did take his advice, and nothing changed.

Numb head, numb heart.

And everyone was talking about when he’d settle down with someone, but he couldn’t; he’d grown an impressive collection of ladder scars on his thighs (he kept his boxers on during sex), and he knew that he’d ruin a relationship if he tried to talk about anything. He wasn’t okay. And if he kept that away from whoever held his heart at the moment, they’d whine about lack of communication when he’d inevitably explode, and then they’d run to the press and ruin his public image of an apathetic douchebag.

He spiraled a lot. Every person he met, he weighed the pros and cons of forming any kind of relation with. He couldn’t stop himself. 

It made him feel safer and more paranoid at the same time.

\--

_So bring it on, I've been bruised_   
_Don't give me love that's clean and smooth_   
_I'm ready for the rougher stuff_   
_No sweet romance, I've had enough_

\--

One night stands were probably the only thing keeping Tony alive.

They tired him out, kept him distracted enough so that he wouldn’t have to think about anything too much. He could sleep without any problem, with someone else in the bed beside him. Their bodies were warm, and he ached for touch, so he wasn’t picky; men, women, he did them all. Sometimes both at the same time. And if they betrayed his trust and consent or whatever by filming him, he just let legal take care of it.

He was America’s playboy- eccentric, wild, and rich. He didn’t like commitment and could go from body to body. As long as they kept him company, that’s what he let them all think.

Tony was tired of it all.

\--

_A man like me is dead in places_   
_Other men feel liberated_

\--

Meeting Pepper was a blessing. Falling for her was inevitable.

She was perfect; smart, sharp, quick to find solutions. She was wonderful at scheduling and had a talent for making apologetic phone calls to important companies when Tony didn’t feel like showing up to a meeting. The last skill was very important.

She was also extremely pretty. That was also very important.

But Tony, whenever he thought about her, he felt something that wasn’t the numbness he was used to. He wanted to sleep with her and stay the morning, the days after, to put it into words. It was the same attraction, albeit shallow, that he felt about everyone he had slept with- just more than that. It made him confused. He wasn’t supposed to feel. It made him feel sad, actually, just a bit.

Fuck just a bit, more like miserable. He found himself staring at Pepper with longing, quickly looking away when she noticed his gaze. He couldn’t ever be with her, even if she did like him (unlikely), for the same reasons that he couldn’t be with all the guys and girls he slept with before. He was simply too damaged. Too broken. Bound to fuck things up. It killed him some more.

He forced it out of his body to a degree. Most times he felt numb, but every once in a while, after a long night of drinking and Pepper touching his neck to check for a pulse, he’d feel something. 

And then he’d be miserable all over again.

\--

_I want love, just a different kind_   
_I want love, won't break me down_   
_Won't brick me up, won't fence me in_   
_I want a love, that don't mean a thing_   
_That's the love I want_

\--

On Tony’s bad days, on the days when his numbness prevented him from even getting out of bed, Rhodey was alerted by Pepper.

And Rhodey would drop by with some food and drink, and sit on the bed beside Tony, trying to keep the worry off his face. But Tony was numb to even those simplest expressions; they didn’t mean anything to him.

“I love you, man,” Rhodey would say, massaging Tony’s scalp.

“I can’t love you back,” Tony would answer. “I can’t feel.”

“I still love you. We’re brothers.”

And then Tony would finally cry, trying to hide it in Rhodey’s shirt, and Rhodey would hug him better, and Tony would be back to work the day after, right as rain as if nothing had happened the previous day.

And then the effects of Rhodey’s ‘I love you, man’ would wear off, and Tony would begin his steady decline into spine-crushing numbness again.

He just wanted it all to end. He wanted love. He wanted to love. 

He wanted to feel.

\--

_I want love_


End file.
